A Lesson in Self Care

I've left this post in my draft folder for quite some time because I have I been so poor at self care I simply have nothing to write. As a mother of a wildling toddler I rarely find time to myself to think let alone actually *care* for myself. I reached a breaking point a few months ago melting into tears and giving into depression and anxiety. I blamed the busyness of life, parenting, my teaching job, maintaining my relationships, marriage, all the other important parts of life. There are so many convenient things to blame my poor self care on. Even writing this feels selfish...shouldn't I be able to balance all of these areas of my life and soldier on?

But the inner voice that I've drowned out with the ever present hum of a busy life keeps asking...

"Where do I fit in?"

While caring for others brings me joy and satisfies my desire for meaning or purpose it does little to fill my soul. Yes being a wife is fulfilling, being a mother is exhilarating, being a birth instructor is stimulating to my brain...but what about me? Stripped of all those titles..."wife", "mother", "birth instructor" leaves me feeling hollow. Those titles have been like a warm blanket comforting me, telling me it's my identity. When I introduce myself those are my first three sentences- "My name is Katy, I'm a momma to a 2 year old, I'm a birth instructor and I've been married 8.5 years". There's Katy in a nutshell. YES I feel passionate about being a wife & mother and I would never devalue that enriching gift to my life. It is a joy...but it's still not me. YES I love teaching, interacting with my students, learning and growing in my knowledge every day...but nope...still not me.

Stripped of my titles I am just me.

A woman who's honestly a bit lost.

Finding that inner self has been a process. Removing myself from those roles occasionally helps that inner woman resurface. Taking time to join a Book Club and surrounding myself with intellectual women, taking a long overdue girls weekend with dear friends, finishing a book that I read just for pleasure--helps that woman gain strength.

See- the difference in caring for self and self care is that self care fills your soul. 

Now don't get me wrong- caring for yourself is essential. I've been on a journey this year eliminating a lot of shit in my life. Cleansing things that brought me harm. I'm now vegetarian and aspiring vegan. I've rejoined the gym and am an active yogi. Trying to drink less alcohol. I joined a focused marriage study at my church that brought up intense and painful things in my marriage. I've joined a Mom's Group where I can regularly laugh, cry and just be. These are all caring for yourself.

Self care draws out the inner woman. The person who's hidden beneath the exterior. She starts coming out in the caring for yourself. Maybe when you've taken an exercise class, or finished an art project, or ran a mile and feel that high, that "Damn I'm proud of myself for accomplishing that!" moment. She's in that moment. But self care takes it further.

It requires stillness, silence and listening skills. It is daunting. It feels selfish. It even feels dangerous.

But if you take the time you will start to feel it. It's unmistakable. You may feel emotional....maybe super emotional. Embracing that inner self that has been stuffed down or silenced. That voice will start as a whisper and will then be a roar. After taking moments like this regularly you will find that it becomes the voice that helps you set boundaries, say "no", make wise choices and maybe even embolden you to take that risk you never thought you'd take. That courageous inner voice that says "you got this!" will be your guide.

So nurture her. Nurture self.