I Believe You

No one may have said this to you yet, but I believe you. I believe that you instinctively know as a mother or parent that your child is struggling, that your child needs help. When you are in the first stages of the diagnostic process for your child you feel like no one believes you. Perhaps it's even your spouse who doesn't believe you.

"He's young, he'll grow out of it."

"It's the school's fault, they aren't teaching him right."

"His teacher doesn't know what she's talking about."

I've heard all these phrases. And it's ok. You may be further along in the acceptance process than your spouse. There are stages of acceptance. It's not unlike the process of grief. Because this is a sort of death. A death to your expectations for your child, the dream you once had that your child wouldn't struggle or have these challenges in life. It's ok to admit that you feel a loss. It doesn't mean that you love your child less, or that you remove any expectations for them, it just means your expectations need to change. And that takes time.

Here are the stages of grief:

1. Denial 

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

Now think of this in the context of the early stages of the diagnostic process for your child. Many parents are still stuck in the denial phase. Those are represented in the statements above. Denial means you don't have to deal with it. Denial means that you don't have to face the truth or the reality that your child is different. My mom used to say to us as kids "reality is your friend". And that's especially true when it comes to your children. Because they are precious to you, you know them better than you even know yourself. So to feel that they might struggle, it hits a wound so deep you may not even realize it. So it's ok to be scared, frustrated or confused. Denial is normal, but we cannot sit in denial because it is not productive. Your child needs help and the sooner you can help your child, the better. 

Here are ways we move forward:

1. Ask your child's teacher. Come alongside your child's teacher. They are one of your child's greatest advocates. While sometimes it means that you have to face reality and hear what the teacher is saying about your child. Remember- don't take it personal. It may seem critical to your child, but their motives are good. You'll read their reports and cringe sometimes, but the purpose is to show your child has a need, thus allowing for your child to receive services! 

2. Start forming your child's team. Whether that's a pediatrician who advocates for additional services or medication for your child. Or therapists, specialists, psychologist, all the people who will give you support and resources. They will also be the ones to say "I believe you." Or, "your child is challenging." I remember the first person who told me that was an Occupational Therapist and I burst into tears. All the guilt and shame I felt pent up that I was failing my child, or that my child was a "problem" all washed away when I had that validation from a professional. 

3. Form your support team whether that's family members, trusted friends or finding a support group online for the time being. One that was invaluable to me was ADHD Mom Support Group. The woman who started it has a child with ADHD and has tons of resources on her page. I mostly used it for comfort and solidarity with other moms. Reading stories of other children struggling made me feel less alone. So if in the time being you don't have a support team local to you, start online! 

4. Celebrate your child's uniqueness! During this diagnosis process you may start looking at your child differently. Perhaps, and hopefully, it's with more compassion. In your research you will find that ADHD is categorized as a disability even on a federal level by the Americans with Disabilities Act. It is a neurological condition that effects their executive functioning and ability to focus, regulate emotions and processes information. It took me a long time to accept this about myself, and to embrace the term "special needs parent". I felt that only applied to parents with children with physical or developmental disabilities. I have family members who have children with developmental delays and they have even told me how they feel they receive more compassion for their children than I do as a mom of ADHD children. We are advocates for our children! We are their cheerleaders! The sooner you can get them help, the sooner you will see massive improvement!